LiLo, LiLo, it’s off to jail you go

Two weeks in a U.S. prison should be enough to scare a young woman straight and enable her to see the error of her ways. But not Lindsay Lohan, whose jail term, combined with a mandatory 23-day rehabilitation stint, did not have the intended effect. Blame it on the media? Blame it on her parents? Blame it on the Hollywood lifestyle? Whoever is to blame will undoubtedly be named first on then discussed at length by all members of the Associated Press and TMZ.

My first encounter with the redhead was in the 1998 remake of Disney’s The Parent Trap. The movie features Lohan playing a girl who encounters her twin (also played by Lohan) at summer camp, where they discover that their parents had separated with each taking one child. The eventual finale is that the girls show their parents how they are meant to be together and everyone lives happily ever after. All freckles and smiles, the young Lohan had the promise of a young actress edging her way onto the big screen.

Fast forward to her real, adult life where Lohan seems to be little more than a cash grab for two money hungry parents whose television appearances are apparently getting in the way of being role models to this obviously messed up little girl. Lindsay’s mother, Dina Lohan, has literally made a career off the misfortunes of her daughter. From airing out her dirty laundry on her reality show Living Lohan to bringing camera crews from Entertainment Tonight to her interview with Lindsay in rehab, this lady seems to be benefitting from her daughters precarious situation. Most mothers would do anything to keep their children safe and healthy but this lady is getting rich off of her daughter’s poor decisions.

Where’s the love?

Lindsay’s father has taken a slightly different approach to dealing with his wayward daughter. He has decided to place blame on just about everyone. Michael Lohan has singled out Lindsay, God, Lindsay’s “enablers” and Lindsay’s mother. After all of this finger-pointing, it is no wonder that there is an estranged father-daughter relationship. Hypocritically, however, he has no problem using his famous daughter for his own personal gain. He too has put out a reality TV show, Celebrity House LA, which was rumored to be recently picked up for regularly scheduled programming.

Papa don’t preach; your daughter has some problems.

So now you can watch Lindsay on the news and TMZ, followed by her parents on two separate reality shows. And I thought a second season of Jersey Shore was bad television.
Maybe a family game night could help the Lohan clan. It would have to be a real game, like Scrabble or Monopoly, instead of this underhanded popularity contest where there will never be a clear winner, only three big losers.

Today, however, there is a warrant out for her arrest. The 24-year-old actress, whose celebrity friends include Paris Hilton, is wanted for failing a drug test. This was confirmed by Lohan herself on her Twitter page where she tweeted: “Regrettably, I did in fact fail my most recent drug test….substance abuse is a disease, which unfortunately does not go away over night.”
Well, duh Lohan! You have some of the world’s best medical personnel at your fingertips and you are just realizing this now? Perhaps next time you should do the normal 90-day rehab session instead of cutting out early. I have watched many episodes of Intervention on A&E and no one goes to rehab for 23 days. I believe in the psychological world they call this realization a “breakthrough.”

Evidently Lohan’s grueling rehabilitation schedule is not getting in the way of trying to save face on as many media outlets as possible. In fact, we just have to look to the most recent issue of Vanity Fair!

Lohan is featured on the cover, and in an article titled “Adrift,” where she is photographed on a yacht in the clothes from top designers such as Gucci and Louis Vuitton, paired with accessories by Tiffany and Co. and Michael Kors. While the article talks about how her “life is a mess.” Her hair and makeup are flawless.

The story is tumultuous but the pictures are beautiful. Before reading the article, the message displayed is humorous. This girl, who has a warrant against her, a drug problem, and a problematic home life can still be featured in a top magazine and donned with clothes that cost an entire semesters tuition. WTF?

Is there hope for Lohan or has her image become so wrapped up with undertones of sex, drugs and parole that she will eventually fade into the distance to be featured in a few years on “What Ever Happened To?” Stay tuned to Twitter and TMZ to find out.

Chelsea James is a fourth year religious studies student at the U of M.