If you have a boyfriend or husband who seems to struggle with the most basic tasks, like loading a dishwasher, folding laundry or making breakfast, and he makes you feel like you need to raise him the way you would a child, you are probably dealing with weaponized incompetence. This is a manipulative action where a person pretends to be bad at or incapable of doing tasks to avoid responsibility, forcing others to do the work instead.
Over the last couple of decades, the roles of men and women have become less distinct. Traditionally, men were expected to engage only with jobs and requirements outside of the home. They interacted directly with society through paid labour, military service and voting. Conversely, women were expected to focus only on work within the home, such as cooking and cleaning. Now, these roles are far less strict. Men and women alike are expected to work both inside and outside the household.
We no longer live in a society where only women perform domestic labour tasks, and so grown men should be able to contribute equally to household maintenance. Yet it seems like a considerably high number of men portray incompetence when it comes to household chores.
Somehow, men do not display this same incompetence outside of the household. Your boyfriend can maintain a good GPA with a full course load, but grocery shopping is beyond him?
I feel that because of traditional gender roles, men can feign inability without too much push back, while women are expected to occupy certain roles and perform many tasks.
Weaponized incompetence can be characterized by a number of different behaviours. The first is pretending to have no idea how to do something to avoid doing it when asked. I saw a comment on social media where a user complained that her ex-husband couldn’t pick up their sons from school because he didn’t know which school they attended. There are obvious issues with this man’s response. If he was being honest, it is extremely irresponsible to be a parent who does not know what school his children attend.
Often, when weaponized incompetence is used, the manipulator will try to make it seem like this lack of not knowing can and will stop them from completing a task. They might say something like, “I can’t do the dishes because I don’t know how to load the dishwasher,” or “I can’t empty the dishwasher because I don’t know where everything goes.” But the answers to these problems are simple and can be found by doing a quick Google search or opening the kitchen cupboards.
Weaponized incompetence can also be seen in men who will complete a task, but will purposefully complete it poorly to avoid being asked to do it again. Your boyfriend knows that if he makes you feel like it is a waste of your time and energy to make him do something, you will probably end up just doing it yourself.
The problem in both cases is that it puts unnecessary pressure on one party in the relationship. It is selfish, manipulative and ultimately reflects that your partner does not really care about your well-being.
It is 2026, and every adult should be self-sufficient. Being able to wash clothes and dishes and clean up after oneself is a basic thing to expect from any grown-up, and if your partner claims not to know how to do these things, don’t baby them. Tell them to figure it out.
