I’m not sure why I continue to write these every week. I’m almost positive that I lost most of you after our diatribe went onto the fourth dimension. Heck, some of you pea-brained ignoramuses were probably lost somewhere closer to the second. But for one reason or another I hold out hope that at least one among your ground dwelling ranks will understand what I’m getting on about.
Why do I cater to this imaginary intellectual? I understand being one of many. Do you think there are a lot of talking owls? Guess what buddy, it’s me and the damned “tootsie pop” guy . . . that’s it! And he’s a bleeding moron! “How many licks does it take to get to the middle of a tootsie pop?” Hoo! The mammal want-to-be licks the thing three times then bites into it, concluding it takes three licks! Have you ever heard something so positively preposterous?

Hoo-low? That’s like finding a fossilized toe and femur and concluding that you know what the entire dinosaur looks like. [Editor’s note: this actually is quite common.] Has that sell-out ever heard of the scientific method? Statistical analysis? Repeatability? No!

You know what’s wrong with you humans? Everything is a joke. Some feathered fool grabs a sucker from an unsuspecting kid, claims that he will help the child find the answer to a valid scientific question, then bites the blasted thing and flies off. What do you people do? Laugh. “Ha ha ha hoo he ha,” indeed.

Enough about him though, I will now cater to my fan.

While trying to explain the concept of dimensions beyond the third to you simian simpletons is a task tantamount to explaining the concept of dryness to a fish — both in terms of intelligence and points of reference —If the fourth dimension is perpendicular to the third, second and first, and the fifth dimension perpendicular to the fourth, then what would the sixth be? If you said “perpendicular to the fifth” then you might be an owl-human hybrid. Although most of you most likely answered with some kind of idiotic non-sequitur, like “strawberry.”
Sometimes, I don’t know why I bother.

Some fool scientists from your species have preposterously postulated that the sixth dimension is where the matter, which makes up the human soul resides, while others have foolishly fostered the idea that the fourth, fifth and sixth dimensions start to deal with space-time.

I lie awake all day wishing that the sixth was the dimension that you have to pass through to get to the alternate realities present in the fifth dimension. If that were the case, maybe I could find a timeline where birds were the dominant species on this planet.

Perhaps in that reality there would be an intelligent monkey trying to explain abstract dimensional physics to a bunch of geese, though in all likelihood you and your opposable thumbs would still be flinging fleeces and fornicating.