It’s an age-old question — “Can men and women ever just be friends?”

The popular film When Harry Met Sally… aimed to answer this question. In the film, Sally (Meg Ryan) believes that men and women can have purely platonic relations, but Harry (Billy Crystal) asserts that they cannot because “the sex part always gets in the way.” The ending seemingly proves Harry’s assertion — Harry and Sally make numerous efforts to stay platonic, all leading to attraction and cutting off contact, until they finally confess their feelings and marry.

In general, popular culture follows Harry’s statement. Refinery29’s Rebecca Smith wrote, in a critical review of the relationships depicted in The Mindy Project, “unfortunately, the producers of pop culture seem to have taken [Harry’s] quote as some kind of mantra […] taken together, all of our favourite television shows seem to teach that all friendships eventually end, or at least take a detour, in bed.”

Public figures and politicians have expressed similar beliefs on the topic. Billy Graham, the notable American Christian evangelist, was known for not travelling, meeting or eating alone with any woman other than his wife — a principle now commonly known as the “Billy Graham rule.” This rule was meant to help maintain a clean public image and avoid any potential controversies and tempting situations. The rule gained renewed attention in 2017 when then-U.S. Vice President Mike Pence was reported to follow a version of the rule. Following this rule seems to suggest that men and women cannot be alone together in any situation without a degree of risk.

So, men and women can’t be friends without falling in love. That’s the answer, right? Not necessarily.

I have many friends of all gender identities and sexualities. So yes, in short, I have male friends — completely platonic male friends. I have never felt any romantic or sexual attraction to any of them (they’re like brothers to me!), and vice versa. And no, it’s not that all my male friends are gay. Most of them, in fact, are straight.

There are a few reasons why these friendships work for me, but the biggest reason is that all parties involved believe that it’s possible to be around each other without catching feelings.

In my experience, when I have had friendships with men that did not work out, the following scenarios usually occurred.

First, the man developed an attraction, and when I did not reciprocate, he immediately cut things off and refused to be friends.

Second, the man wasn’t attracted to me, but assumed that I was attracted to him, and began distancing from me as a result. Generally, this was without explanation or asking me how I really felt.

In both cases, one of the parties involved had doubts about the feasibility of being able to have non-romantic relations with another person.

Something else I noticed from my own experiences and from talking with others is that usually, it is men who are more likely to doubt the feasibility of male-female platonic friendships than women. In all my experiences, the friendships ended at the decision of my male then-friend, and not me. In previous years, I was often unable to even speak to boys my age without them keeping me at arm’s length, immediately assuming I was initiating contact for the purpose of romance or sex. This was incredibly frustrating — I was never trying to make a move, but the boys just automatically assumed I was.

This isn’t a surprise.  According to a study from the University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire conducted in 2012, men consistently overestimated the level of attraction felt by their female friends. In contrast, women consistently underestimated attraction. This can lead to situations such as the ones I mentioned above.

This creates a domino effect — many women I know stated that they only truly began to doubt the ability of men and women to be purely platonic after such bad experiences. Many also stated that they were simply always taught by their families that they could never have non-romantic relations with men. And with the depictions that Hollywood gives us, which almost always lead to romance and sex, it’s no wonder so many in society just assume it isn’t possible.

How much would change if we simply didn’t let doubt get in the way and analyzed each friendship on a case-by-case basis? Probably a lot. I remember seeing a comment in an online discussion about the “Billy Graham rule,” that said treating every interaction as potentially sexual just sets you up to fail.

That’s not to say that one shouldn’t set appropriate boundaries. Respect between parties should be maintained, particularly when there are other partners involved. I have a few rules that I follow myself to respect my boyfriend, my male friends and their romantic partners, such as informing my boyfriend when I am hanging out with others (regardless of gender identity) and asking permission to sit shotgun with a male friend when he is giving me a ride, particularly if he is in a relationship — though none have ever had an issue with it. I set these boundaries mainly to respect others who might not be as comfortable as me and to maintain trust — not because I think things will become sexual.

However, assuming that every opposite-sex friend one’s partner has is a possible romantic threat doesn’t make for a healthy situation. Trust must be maintained, but if someone has genuinely proven themselves trustworthy, there is no need for alarm. As long as you find what works for you, there’s no reason you can’t be around someone of the opposite sex without thinking it might end in a kiss.

So, can men and women ever just be friends? Yes, if you have appropriate boundaries and communication and if you believe they can.