The feeling of nostalgia has always held me back from moving forward with my life. Either when it comes to reminiscing about past achievements or mourning friendships that ceased to exist long ago. I can’t help myself from constantly looking back at a version of myself I used to be.
I think everyone experiences nostalgia from time to time. I think it’s only natural to mourn relationships, friendships and milestones that have come and gone, looking back at moments and people you used to cherish.
While one might experience nostalgia every so often, I find myself more in the past than in the present. I constantly compare my present achievements to the goals I had in my youth. I constantly scroll through my camera roll to remember a time when I used to be friends with people who I don’t even know anymore.
Although I see nostalgia as a feeling of being trapped in my own mind, many find it an aspect of life to look back on something that once made them happy and use it as a reminder during harder times that things have been and can get better.
In The Guardian’s “Look back in joy: the power of nostalgia,” author Tim Adams stated, “it seems that nostalgia is a kind of inbuilt neurological defence mechanism, which can be marshalled to protect us against negative thoughts and situations.”
On its surface nostalgia seems simple. A defence mechanism against the harsh times that everyone experiences throughout life. Although an article from National Geographic explains it’s more complicated than just experiencing warm and fuzzy feelings when you’re feeling a little down. Krystine Batcho, a psychology professor at Le Moyne College and nostalgia researcher, suggests that engaging in nostalgia and looking back helps give purpose to our lives.
To the people who find solace in the fact that nothing is forever, I admire you. I can’t move past the version of myself that my younger self would want me to be and the disappointment she would come to, realizing I’m not where I wanted to be right now, but the reality is I am trying to become a version of me that both past and present me can be proud of.
Those who are happy that they are ever evolving and changing into different people with the progression of time scare me. I always tend to exist within a realization that we as people aren’t as infinite as we wish to believe, that nothing lasts forever, and instead of finding comfort in the notion that nobody can remember my mistakes I seek consolation in my memories.
Although I seek comfort by looking back at moments like a screenplay that’s constantly on rewind, I find myself realizing I haven’t taken that many steps forward. Personally, anxiety and OCD have always held me back from taking steps forward in my life. I think that’s why I can’t stop ruminating and obsessing on certain aspects of my life instead of moving on.
I often feel trapped in my own mind. Sometimes, I recall memories as a way to self-soothe when I’m feeling particularly anxious, like in social situations or where I feel distressed. Even though I feel stuck most of the time looking back on my own memories, it also helps as a defence mechanism against that anxious feeling that bubbles up ever so often.
I think nostalgia is as much a gift as it is a burden. To have enough happy memories to relive and experience over and again is something special. It’s more personable and meaningful than just taking a snapshot on your phone and going back to look at it ever so often. The memories that we associate with nostalgia, in my opinion, help shape who we are.
To my two best friends who always make me feel seen even when I relive moments with them in my memory — you never make me feel too much, too weird, too loud or my questions too invasive. It’s within my memories that I look back on, and find happiness in myself for having people who value me enough that I can create memories worth remembering.
I think the moments you feel seen in, and I mean really seen, are the moments you look back on with nostalgia and fondness and realize that you’ll never get those moments back and that’s what makes it so hard to step forward.
