Consensual sex is sexy!

“Whatever we wear, wherever we go, yes means yes and no means no!”

This and other catchy chants became popular in the past year. In the wake of things like police officers and judges telling women that their revealing outfits were “asking for it” or being the cause of “sex in the air,” consent is a hot buzzword in the media regarding sexual assault. But what does it really mean and how can it protect you and your partners? And can it be hot?

The best definition I have ever heard and will not try and outdo comes from the Consent is Sexy campaign: “Consent is a voluntary, sober, imaginative, enthusiastic, creative, wanted, informed, mutual, honest, and verbal agreement.”

Active and enthusiastic consent is so important when getting it on with new or frequent sexual partners. Here’s how to know if the sexual encounter you are having is consensual: if you ask permission to do a certain act or to have sex or to touch a certain place and the answer is “yes,” congratulations, you have obtained enthusiastic consent!

“Not right now” does not mean yes, silence does not mean yes, “maybe” does not mean yes, “I don’t know” doesn’t mean yes. Consent is not just for women either – all genders need to be consenting to all sexual interactions.

Asking for consent doesn’t have to feel clumsy or awkward. A simple “Would it be okay if I _______?” or “Can I touch your _______?” or “Would it be hot if I _______?” not only gets consent, but is super hot! Checking in during sex with a “Does that feel good?” or “Do you like it when I _______?” is important.

Aside from getting consent, it’s also important to make sure you are doing the best job at pleasing your partner that you can! Just because you get consent, it doesn’t mean that you retain it. Just as we are free to give our consent, we are free to revoke it at any time with the expectation that whoever our sexual partner is will respect that and stop. Immediately.

There are some situations where consent is not even possible. If any of these elements are present, you need to take a step back and reconsider if having sex is the wisest choice:

If you or your partner is intoxicated. Consent cannot happen while you are intoxicated. Period.

If your partner is asleep or passed out. Unless you have arranged it beforehand, beginning a sexual act while your partner is asleep is definitely not cool.

If you know your partner is afraid to say no to you or won’t speak up. If you are afraid to say no, it is not a true yes.

Consent is not only something that is necessary, but can be fun and make your sex that much hotter. Hearing your partner voice their desires not only gives you the chance to say no, but the choice to say, “Yes, yes, oh baby, yes!” And what’s hotter than that?

You can confidentially submit a question or topic to jodie.m.w.layne@gmail.com.