Hey there, it’s your future calling

Dear Sarah Petz (circa 2012),

This is your future self here. Just wanted to send you a letter, letting you know how AWESOME 2042 is.

You may be 52, but you are smokkkkiinnnn hot. You run 15 kilometres a day without breaking a sweat. Well, it may be in part because they have shoes that do that for you now, but that doesn’t matter. You look like Sophia Loren, but hotter.

Oh, and I know you’re probably thinking your degree is essentially worthless and that memorizing The Iliad will have no practical application outside of university. And I want to you to know, that you’re completely right. All those pretentious losers who spent their Friday nights studying and writing essays on Dickens and Shakespeare and then were all self-righteous about how many words they’d written for their “novel” that week, while you were busy slaving away for the Manitoban? They now work for you. Congratulations.

Speaking of work, your career could not be going any better. You have won 20 National Magazine Awards, 10 Pulitzer Prizes, three Oscars, and a Tony for your sensational performance as Topol in the Broadway revival of Fiddler on the Roof. In fact, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences and Pulitzer Board have teamed up to create an award just for you, because all those other artists that aren’t as amazing as you think it’s not fair that you win everything all the time. They’re just going to give it to you every year to encourage you to keep being fabulous.

Oh, and just to give you a head up, the Harper government was taken over by a mutant hybrid of the U of M’s Aurora system and Dennis Quaid. It calls itself the Quaidborg. But aside from being ruled by an all-knowing fascist cyber overlord, things are pretty okay. The Quaidborg recognized that Bill C-10 was not an effective way to prevent crime in Canada, and has put a high priority on environmentalism. But I should probably not be talking about the Quaidborg, except to say ALL HAIL THE QUAIDBORG!

In the romance department, you’ve been happily married to Ryan Gosling for a blissful 25 years. He proposed to you on the top of a mountain, and Adele sang at your wedding (you guys are totally BFFs by the way). But you also have something on the side with James Franco . . . and Bradley Cooper (shhhhh, don’t tell Ryan).

Anyways, keep up the great work kid. You have a long road ahead of you, a long road of awesome.

Yours truly,

Sarah Petz-Gosling