I love the current Harper Government. I hope we can somehow rid ourselves of this cumbersome democracy once and for all and finally establish Stephen Harper as supreme monarch of Canada. King Harper could rule the land until he shoves off this mortal coil, which, God willing, will take many centuries. What I envision is a conservative Pax Canadiana, an eons-long peace due almost entirely to the conservative ethos of getting shit done.
Getting shit done is at the core of the Conservative political game plan, and it’s why I love and respect the party as much as I do. If you haven’t picked it up already, I’m a die-hard Conservatives fan.
Look at Bev Oda. The woman should be praised as a hero. She was a member of a party that didn’t agree with the goals of a certain charitable group. Now, the rest of us lazy, apathetic Canadians would probably have just stamped that form and send it on, let someone else — hopefully higher ranking — take care of it. But not Bev Oda. Oh no. This ambitious Conservative decided to help her party, because she’s a true team player. Instead of letting this group get funding to further disgusting liberal goals, she put her boot down.
Funding rejected thanks to Bev, some Wite-Out and a Sharpie. What I’m getting at is that Bev did something. While you’re likely too lazy to go out and vote, people like this decide to change the world according to their whims, and that’s what makes a true hero. I’m pretty sure Confucius said something like that at some point, but don’t quote me.
Does it matter that Bev altered a document and cut funding to a charitable NGO? Does it matter that Harper’s been cutting funding to groups that don’t agree with his goals? Is it really all that important that he’s changing legislation to suit his goals and basing judgments on populist arguments rather than scientific facts and democratic consensus?
Hell no. At least they’re doing something. Where the fuck are our helicopters, Liberal Party? It took you years to even consider buying helicopters while the whole existing fleet fell the fuck apart. What about new planes? Tanks? Any sort of action, really.
See, at least the conservatives are doing something. So maybe the new planes we’ll be getting will be completely useless, and maybe they’ll cost way too much money. But hey, at least someone did something and we’re getting F-35s!
The problem with Liberals is that they take other people’s feeling and goals into account too much. Before those goddamn Liberals want to open up a hog plant or a refinery or a power station they pay a bunch of losers from some university to do an assessment. You ever read that shit? It’s like 50 pages of just words!
Conservatives say fuck it. Thinking’s for suckers.
Look at the prison system! That shit was functioning for years. Rehab! Rehab doesn’t do anything. You sit in a room and talk, maybe have people talk to you. Maybe have someone give a fuck about where you’re from and what led you drinking a bottle of Nyquil and robbing a 7-11 after a 14-day mouthwash bender. Maybe there are deeper issues here. Maybe years of government neglect or apathy with regards to marginalized communities is taking a toll; maybe being part of the urban poor doesn’t include posing on CD covers and playing at dive bars. Maybe something’s wrong and we should fix it, slowly.
No, fuck that. We need policies that move, that do something. Policies that throw people from one penitentiary to the next, that lead to the creation of more prisons, and more jobs for middle-class white people, I may add! Leave everyone that’s ever done drugs recreationally with a permanent record so no one will ever hire them again.
See? Shit happens in this system. You may not agree with what happens exactly, but at any given point the system is wheeling at full speed, the fiendish machinations are wearing out the bearings on stock tickers and adding zeros to banks accounts. This is the goddamn system we need: Slow, useless and more expensive to build than the fucking pyramids.
I love you, Stephen Harper.
Martin Turczynowicz is the interm Science Editor at the Manitoban.
