You know what? Fuck the environment.

I’m tired of hearing all this garbage about pipelines, oil spills, pesticides, GMO crops. Let’s just all move on as a society. We can’t fix it, so let’s just enjoy the last few circles ’round the drain. The aquifers are drying up, the bees are dying and our collective sperm count is dropping, and if those don’t kill us, the chemicals in everything sure as shit will. If you need another reason, here’s one: Fuck the next generation. They’re still hypothetical, but they’re taking our resources. I’ll bet you they’ll be a bunch of assholes anyway.

When was the last time activist groups and protestors actually accomplished anything? Never, that’s when. All they do is get all strung up on some crazy idea that they’re gonna save the coniferous trees or some other shitty life form that can’t take care of itself. The corporations do whatever they want to do anyway, no matter how many hemp-clad hippies show up with signs and angry letters.
So fuck it. Let’s just stop caring. Let’s agree to a total media blackout on any topic environmental. I don’t want to hear about biodegradable plastics, I don’t care about the merits of organic foods, I’m not concerned about the pesticides we use or what we feed to livestock. That shit’s gonna happen anyway.

We should just burn the goddamn trees ourselves. Then we wouldn’t have to hear about how they’re disappearing year after torturous year. I get it, the forest is dying and that’s important for some reason or another. The forest won’t pay my bills though and I sure as shit can’t put it in my gas tank so fuck it. The next time I go camping I’m just gonna leave all my trash right there. I’ll be the guy with the 100-pack of bottled water and the individually wrapped single-serving food.
The wildlife can go fuck itself too. It’s like all these animals can’t make up their minds if they want to keep living or not. Remember the fucking Chinese river dolphins? Dumb bastards should have evolved a solution to the Three Gorges Dam, would have saved us all some grief. What did all that worrying do? Sweet fuck all. They’re all dead now.

I was worried about the Gulf of Mexico at first — I mean that’s a lot of oil. You know what the worrying did? Nothing. I tried sending a sternly worded letter, but I couldn’t find the Gulf’s address and the fuckin’ drilling rig sank. Really though, I don’t see why it’s such a huge deal anymore. It made our lives easier if you think about it. All the dispersants in the water means it’ll take years for the oil to float up, and there’s plenty on the surface already. It just means we don’t have to drill! Just skim that shit off the surface. It’s like a massive oil holding tank now, and we’re better off for it ’cause at least the media stopped pretending to care.

It’s not like changing your life will fix anything either. You can grow your own disgusting, shriveled vegetables and live in a solar-powered home, but the franchise restaurant down the street will still use 10 litres of potable water to wash a goddamn fork. So fuck it. Leave the taps running, leave the lights on — after you’ve made damn sure they’re all full of incandescent bulbs of course. Before you leave the house, open all your windows and crank the heat as far as she’ll go. When summer rolls around you can write “fuck it” in your lawn in brake fluid after you’ve used your 600hp lawnmower to make sure your 10 square feet of grass is exactly 1.5 inches above ground level. That is, after you bought a second air conditioning unit to keep the gazebo cool.

So if they want to run a pipeline in B.C., or drill in Alaska, or even send tankers near the coast I’m all for it. I can’t help but fist pump every time I read some ship sank or some pipeline burst, ’cause you know what? We’re winning this goddamn war against nature — all you guys are just on the wrong side.

Martin Turczynowicz is the Science Reporter at the Manitoban.