This week I thought I had the symptoms of Bieber fever: incredible pain, sweating and shitting like there’s no tomorrow. In the end I realized it was just my high-fiber cereal flushing me out. You see, I have a new diet that’s all about turning the food you usually eat into healthier choices and maintaining portion control.

It’s all a part of my new fitness and active living routine I have going on at the university. I have to keep a food journal and a time management journal, all while using the techniques the fitness attendants are teaching me in the fitness classes at the Gritty Grotto.

For my food journal I’ve been eating a high-fiber cereal and a cup of green tea for breakfast, then controlled portions the rest of the day: steamed veggies, fruit, brown rice, beans and some nuts. Oh, and drinking lots of water. You must stay hydrated.

So what happened this week in fitness you ask? Well for starters, my trainer, Jen, decided she needed a break from me, for a couple days at least, which is understandable — there’s only so many times in a day you can hear a comment followed by a rimshot before you want to get the fuck out of there. So Jen passed me off to a trainer named Dave.

We started my first personal training session with a warm up on an elliptical machine. It felt like a mix of skiing and running, neither of which I have much experience in. I don’t think there’s ever been a longer 15 minutes in the world.

The upper body workout felt great. Dave showed me how to safely use the machines and then we started out light so my muscles could get used to the strain. After about eight machines, we stretched it out and, feeling good, I booked a lower body workout for a couple days later. Dave, like Jen, is a very positive person, always motivating you to do your best. It definitely helps to have a fitness attendant around when you’re learning. Asking for help is what it’s all about people. Knowledge is power, as they say.

The very next day I went into a fitball class. What’s fitball class you ask? Well let me tell you!
It was me and about 10 other people, all of which had grabbed bigger weights than mine. Slightly embarrassing but, hey, I’m just starting out and light is the perfect weight for a beginner.
The class was basically a combo of sit ups, curls, yoga, and pelvic thrusting. I don’t think I’ve ever done any of those things for 60 minutes straight before. By the end of it I was exhausted, but it felt really, really good. I will be going back again in the future, as I’m looking forward to improving my thrusting prowess.

On the Thursday I met up with Dave for the lower body workout session. The lower body workouts were much harder for me, mainly because I’m used to walking by pressing a button on a PlayStation controller. Actually using your legs is harder than it looks. You tire easily, you need to put in effort and I think, I think, I felt what’s known as “the burn.” And it burned me. It burned me bad, baby.

“Hating me yet?” Dave playfully asks.

“Starting to!” I reply laughing, trying to catch my breath.

We also did some lower back workouts and after that, we called it a day. I decided to weight myself as we walked out, even though it’s still extremely early, and see what the score was. Turns out I had lost three pounds!

Hard work does pay off! Healthier controlled portions and exercise is the big secret. Weird. A little bit of hard work and afterwards, you feel fantastic.

To round out the week I met back up with Jen to go to an advanced step class on Friday.

“Just follow my feet,” Jen said.

The instructor was busting moves like Riverdance on speed. I followed along as best I could. It required a lot of coordination, a skill in which I definitely need improvement. All in all, though, I wasn’t too shabby.

“All right, Jen! I’m outta here!” I said, smiling as I offered her a high five.

“Remember to do cardio Saturday, either [alternating] three minutes running, two minutes walking or walking with an incline for 30 minutes,” she reminds me in a soft voice.

“Argggh, you’re killing me Jen!” I say grinning.

“No you’re killing me with your stupid jokes!” she laughs and does the rimshot sound.

And that’s it for another week. A big thank you to Dave and Jen for being champs and putting up with my weirdness for another week. With a schedule like this you must be dedicated. It’s hard work but good work, and if I can do it, you can do it! Keeping your body in shape reminds me of a quote from Hells Angels founding member Sonny Barger:

“Treat me good, I’ll treat you better; treat me bad, I’ll treat you worse.”

Chew on that wisdom for a while. See you next time folks!