Someone once said to me, “Hey, Dave, you’re pretty big and strong and about as attractive as an open grave. You should try out for UFC!” To which I replied “Mom, leave me alone.” But then I thought about it for a little bit, and realized that yes, I am a perfect candidate to fight in UFC. How hard could it possibly be? You lift a couple of weights, talk a little trash, lose a little blood; things that I do regularly on any given day. So, for any of you boorish university nerds who are considering lacing up the boots and fighting in the octagon, take my advice as I lay out what you need to do to become a ferocious and unstoppable UFC fighter.

1. Study your opponents

   If you’re going to fight with the best, you might as well know your opponents and study what they specialize in: There’s Randy Couture, who specializes in fighting; Brock Lesnar, who specializes in fighting; Forest Griffin, who specializes in fighting; Tito Ortiz, who specializes in . . . well, I guess they all just specialize in fighting. There’s one fighter, however, who doesn’t specialize in fighting — the guy with the black & white stripped shirt who seems to be in every match. He seems awfully easy to beat up, so pray that you get that guy for your first match and just let that sucker have it.

2. Don’t get UFC confused with KFC

   The last thing you want to do is walk into a fast food restaurant and beat up a bunch of fried chicken. Trust me, it doesn’t intimidate anybody.

3. Buy some “Tap out” apparel

   You’re not going to impress anyone unless you throw out your entire wardrobe and replace it with clothing that has “Tap out” written all over it. I’m talking shirts, pants, socks, underwear, long underwear, belts, suspenders, jockstraps, brassieres — the whole nine yards.

But what does “Tap out” mean, exactly? I’m not to sure myself, but I believe it’s short for “tap is out,” as in “the tap is out,” as in “the water tap is out,” as in “hey, the water tap is out until we pay the superintendent this month’s rent.” I’m merely speculating though.

1. Forget how to speak English

I’ve watched about four different interviews with various UFC fighters, and I can safely say that about 100 per cent of UFC fighters can’t speak a lick of English. Honestly, many of these guys wouldn’t know a conjugated verb from a plural noun if it gator rolled them inside out.

1. Learn how to hug somebody

   Sure, UFC takes a lot of skill, precision, strength and agility . . . for about five whole seconds, before someone knocks you to the ground and starts hugging you affectionately for the remainder of the fight. Apparently, the strategy here is to dry-hump your opponent for just long enough on international television until they are embarrassed, forcing them to simply give up. This is incredibly good news for me, as this is my go-to strategy in any fight, whether it be in the octagon or in a dingy back alley. You’d be surprised how quickly one’s anger cools off after being dry-humped for a solid 15 minutes.

   And that is all you need to know to become a UFC fighter. And just a quick word to all you UFC fans: you think you can take me? I could annihilate you any day of the week. Just meet me at your nearest KFC and I’ll be ready and waiting to dry-hump the living daylights out of you. Beware! Beware!