Often, when I see a video posted by a beautiful woman, I notice comments from other women saying, “I’m no better than a man.” These commenters are implying that they find the woman attractive in a way that is on par with the objectification associated with the male gaze. I would like to challenge that idea.

Women experience objectification from men far too frequently. This form of disrespect is rooted in patriarchy and misogyny, denying the autonomy and humanity of women in favour of the ways they could serve a man. Men are taught by society that women are not worth more than how attractive, serviceable and self-effacing they are — women are simply trophies and caregivers for men.

Even a man who is not a raging misogynist will have subconscious misogynistic biases. It takes time and effort to unlearn the prejudices we are taught. Women are taught misogyny too, and it can be reflected in our words and actions. But when a queer woman is turned on by the body of another woman, is she really “no better than a man?”

When I see these comments, I cannot help but feel these commenters have internalized and are feeding into the stereotype of the “predatory lesbian.”

The “predatory lesbian” stereotype has permeated media and our Western cultural beliefs for a long time — think Cynthia Rose in Pitch Perfect or Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu’s Carmilla. This stereotype posits sapphic attraction as perverted and unwanted, a threat to the innocent heterosexual woman. But sapphic advances are not predator vs. prey (unless you’re into that), and sapphic desire is not a threat, it is human.

Humans are sexual creatures. Purity culture is not doing us any favours or making us more “civil,” it is simply asking us to suppress what is natural when it challenges the status quo. 

It is not disrespectful to be attracted to a woman. It is not inherently objectifying to like the way a woman looks. I think queer women today have internalized the idea that sapphic attraction is predatory and unfortunately equated our gaze with the hetero male gaze, which can be genuinely predatory. I think this false equivalence is damaging.

However, while attraction itself is not disrespectful, expressions of it can be, and I do think people are getting too comfortable leaving comments on the internet. The “no better than a man” comments are borderline, for me. I see comments daily that are much more disrespectful, but I do think it is a strange thing to imply that you do not see a beautiful woman as a human and try to frame it as a compliment. I know these comments are meant to be a joke, but I believe they come from a very real place of internalized homophobia.

Being a woman who is attracted to women should not feel shameful or dirty, it should be freeing. It has been for me.

In middle school, I was plagued by compulsory heterosexuality and crippling insecurity. I felt inadequate, but I thought my friends were wonderful, and in my oblivious mind my sapphic admiration became jealous aspiration.

This jealous phase of my adolescence ended when I realized I needed to learn how to be myself and love that girl. I realized I am attracted to women only after I started working on that.

I have been out as a lesbian since high school, and now, I never really get jealous of other women. Part of that was becoming confident in myself, but I do think that realizing I am attracted to women has also played a big role, even though I am not attracted to every woman I admire. Sometimes I wish I had realized I was queer earlier so that my jealousy could have transformed into admiration sooner. Now, when I see a woman who is smart, talented, beautiful, confident, charming or funny, I don’t wish that I were her. Instead, I think to myself, “Diva!” Instead of feeling jealous of other women, I feel inspired. 

To me, being a lesbian means more than just being attracted to women. I am passionate about all women — friends, family and strangers. I am loyal to my friends. I am kind to women I do not know. I am interested in intersectional feminism because I am passionate about Black women, Muslim women, trans women, immigrant women, old women, bisexual women, fat women and disabled women. In women, I do not see trophies or caregivers — I see role models, sisters, lovers, friends, people I am happy to know and happy to see bloom. I am so glad to be a woman, and so glad to be a lesbian.

I love women, and I know that I love them in a way that a man never could.