Why is it so difficult for me to start things? Am I a failure? I have always grappled with these questions, and they haunt me to this day. I hate starting things, and I think it’s because I fear failure — I think that everything I touch isn’t good enough, including this article.
I have noticed a lot of pretending — pretending to be fine, pretending that things aren’t wrong. I’m not just talking about myself, but about the things I notice in other people. I observe people, I watch to see if I can see a bit of myself in them. Do they also think they’re failing at life?
I often pretend I’m okay. Whether that’s at school, work or in friendships, I always feel like I’m falling somewhere between not being good enough and never trying my best at anything.
A quote from The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath has always resonated with me. Plath writes about how each fig on a fig tree represents a different possible future. “I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn’t make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.”
Despite being an active member in extracurricular activities, having a stable job and friends, I never feel like I am anyone’s first choice for anything. In school, I’m never the smartest. With friends, I fall short of being a comedic jester. Within my family, I’m never the perfect daughter.
Regardless, I believe there are many people who also feel “less than” — that they are unworthy or underserving of an accomplishment or even a compliment. I struggle with imposter syndrome, of feeling like I’m not qualified or supposed to be where I am.
Will someone finally see me? Do I deserve to be here? I often feel like a shadow person — never the best and never the brightest, but constantly observing from a corner of the room.
For those who feel like they don’t belong, I see you. I really do.
Whether it’s through friends or family, humans have an instinctive longing to feel connected. Not just to belong, but to matter, to hold value in the eyes of others. Because I’ve never truly felt like I belonged anywhere, I try, at least, to exist a little bit everywhere.
Despite never truly fitting in, I still think there’s something beautiful in failing to belong. Sometimes, it is realizing that not fitting in anywhere that means you are free to be everywhere.
For those who feel like they never belong, I raise my hand and agree to join your club. Even if you do fail at being “normal,” know you will always have a place here — within the lines of my articles, where wanderers are always welcome.
