Point / Counterpoint is a platform in which two parties discuss pertinent cultural issues from opposing sides. It’s a real debate, and like any honest fight, there are winners and losers. This is the result:

Ryan:

I will begin my argument with one simple, irrefutable statement: there is no cooler way to check the time than by reaching into your jacket pocket and pulling out a glorious pocket watch.

Maria:

That’s true if you want to look like a dignified grandpa — which, don’t get me wrong, is a valid look. But it’s stuffy; a monocle on the other hand? That’s dangerous. Like an evil count, or a cyclops!

Ryan:

A monocle isn’t dangerous;, it’s obtuse and garish. Why would you ever need one, because you have an astigmatism in one eye only? “Listen Doctor, I seem to have trouble seeing out of one eye. Can you by chance prescribe half a pair of glasses? Oh, I know usually people will go with the whole pair but I’d prefer to be difficult please.”

Maria:

That’s a lot of big talk, and somehow I doubt you would say that to the face of monocle-enthusiasts like Colonel Mustard in the conservatory, the Penguin or Planters Peanuts’ fearsome mascot, Mr. Peanut. They don’t need a pocket watch to know what time it is (time to stop wearing a pocket watch).

Ryan:

If you ask me the list of famous monocle enthusiasts reads more like a rogue’s gallery of thieves and murderers — I’m looking at you Colonel Mustard. And I bet you any money that if Mr. Peanut had the ability to wear human clothes he would damn well have a pocket watch. You know those little pockets inside the bigger pocket in most pairs of pants? Those are actually called the watch pocket. If the monocle had its own pocket named after it maybe it would be a little bit cooler, but probably not.

Maria:

It’s interesting you bring up “cool,” because actually needing to know the time is very uncool. Only railway employees and shopkeeps need to know things like the time. Monocles are the ultimate in unnecessary accessories, exemplifying disregard for common concerns. Also it automatically gives you a disdainful raised eyebrow and requires an awesome ribbon.

Ryan:

Or perhaps a nice fancy chain — that’s at least one positive thing the monocle shares with pocket watch.

I must say, I do like to look down my nose at people with an aura of disdain. But where do the walking cane and the top hat fit into all of this? What about a nice cummerbund?!

Maria:

I have the same question; perhaps they could all go together… . . . Is it possible the snooty danger of the monocle and the useful elegance of the pocket watch could join forces, with a walking cane, top hat and cummerbund as sidekicks, transcending their limitations to become something bigger than themselves?

Ryan:

I like this progress we’ve made, it almost makes me feel like a better, more enlightened individual.

But wait, look at the Point / Counterpoint introduction. It says there has to be a winner, no ties.

Maria:

Okay, well what’s say we flip for it, heads or tails?

Ryan:

Heads.

Maria:

It’s tails, I win.

Ryan:

Damn it.

Winner: Monocle