As I look at my calendar I can’t help but think, “My god, what a year 2010 has been.” There were so many electrifying highs and yet just as many terrifying lows. It was such a momentous, newsworthy year I think it best to commemorate it utilizing an artistic medium as old as time itself: the top ten list.
- Tiger Woods returns to golf
In late March Tiger Woods finally emerged from the shadows, ending his period of media silence and resuming his storied career as the most dominant golfer in the world. Experts suspected something about Tiger had changed — there was a certain twinkle in his eye — but most chalked it up to stress or some other such thing.
- Mayweather and Pacquiao finally fight. Just kidding.
On April 17, two of the greatest boxers to ever wear the trunks finally faced each other in the squared circle. Almost. After negotiating agreeable conditions for blood testing, urine testing, fighter payrolls, location, concession stands and banner fonts everything fell apart when, on the night of the fight, Mayweather came out to Montell Jordan’s ‘This is how we do it,’ rather than the agreed upon ‘Get ready for this’ by 2 Unlimited. The Pacquiao camp called things off immediately. No refunds were given.
- Even More Open: The Andre Agassi Sequel
In an opportunistic fit of either inspiration or boredom, Andre Agassi rushed out a sequel to his hit autobiography Open. In it Agassi drops bombshell after bombshell including the fact that he was addicted to horse tranquilizers for a significant time in the 2000s and that he actually ages backwards like Benjamin Button.
- Vancouver Olympics a success, Pepsi chant a gigantic, flaming failure
Do you remember what the Pepsi-owned Canada chant is? No? It’s probably best we all keep it that way. Forever.
- Arenas suspended indefinitely, again
Former Washington Wizards star Gilbert Arenas, first suspended by the NBA for keeping unloaded guns in the team locker room, outlasted any welcome he had as a professional athlete when the league caught wind of his latest antics. In an effort to curb his gun enthusiasm, Arenas instead began bringing samurai swords, grenades and antique crossbows to team practices. In a statement sent out shortly after his second suspension Arenas admitted, “What the NBA deems proper conduct I will never know.”
- Tiger Woods wins U.S. Open, destroys Mothra
Come June, Woods had returned to form in spectacular fashion winning a string of tournaments before claiming another major championship at the U.S. Open. More newsworthy, however, was the gigantic winged beast that erupted from the Earth when spectators inadvertently encroached on her nest of eggs. Only seconds after accepting his oversized cheque, Woods leapt into action miraculously growing to a height of 200 feet before duking it out with the monster-sized moth. With Mothra lain to waste, Woods again took leave of society, submerging himself in the Pacific Ocean.
- Double-decker outdoor classic
For months the NHL executive office racked their collective brains trying to figure out how to raise the stakes and double the profits of their annual outdoor game. In early December, the pains of their labour paid off when hockey fans the world over were witness to not one, but two Winter Classic games, not side-by-side, but one on top of the other. An unseasonable amount of sun made a warm game for some players a very wet game for others.
- Yankees threaten to take balls, go home
In an effort to enforce parity among the league and spread the overall amount of superstars, the MLB briefly toyed with the idea of removing the league luxury tax in favour of a hard line salary cap. Upon hearing this, the New York Yankees, whose 2009 team salary more than doubled that of most major league teams, announced that in the event of a salary cap the team would not only withdraw from the league but would also sign the majority of baseball’s modern stars to an alternative baseball league in which every team is called the New York Yankees.
- World Cup captures global attention, still confuses many North Americans
The 2010 FIFA World Cup was successful as a global spectacle but frustration amongst soccer fans reached an all time high as North Americans needed constant reminders as to why David Beckham is not the best player, why the clock keeps adding time and, most importantly, why the U.S. and Canada aren’t winning.
- Tiger Woods sedated and captured, U.S. civilians safe at last
It took nearly half the U.S. army, but Tiger Woods was finally captured just outside of Chicago. The mutant-giant golf pro tore a path of destruction across much of the country before succumbing to industrial-sized doses of the same horse tranquilizer Andre Agassi made famous in his second book. Months later, scientists would learn that Woods was only trying to spread a message of peace but the traumatic transformation his brain had undergone during his monsterfication left him only able to communicate through acts of violence. Three double-fisted smashes downward followed by a flurry of kicks means “I love you,” but how were we ever to know that?
