Last week the Manitoban ran an article entitled “Get ‘er Done” that listed the top five unacceptable excuses for avoiding exercise: I don’t like it, I don’t have time, it’s boring, I’m too tired, I have too much work to do. Granted there aren’t many reasons why you should ever completely abstain from bodily exercise, but I can sympathize with those complaints. Perhaps it is out of some twisted sense of civic duty, then, that I find it my responsibility to offer a helping hand to those who would like to stay in shape but would rather avoid the mental and physical rigours of a regular exercise schedule. Why ought those with strong willpower be the only ones living a healthy lifestyle? The following are the top five tips to keep fit the easy way.
- Be clumsy
There’s no need to be coordinated, aerodynamic or efficient. In fact, you should be as awkward, lumbering and inept as possible. First of all, you will gain more exercise the more your limbs are wildly flailing about; no one ever kept fit by staying calm and frigid. Clumsiness will also open many doors as far as exercise opportunity goes. You may not have the time or patience to devote to the gym but if you spend all day picking up items you’ve dropped or even picking yourself up after slipping on a precariously placed banana peel you will be burning calories round the clock. You won’t typically find “bending over” or “getting up” on a list of common exercise activities but you can estimate between 0-20 calories burned for every five minutes spent re-orienting yourself. Wow!
- Be angry
If you are a hot-tempered person by nature, then the fitness world is your oyster. Yelling at either real people or inanimate objects can help you work up a good steam. If you get real angry and incorporate jumping and stomping in your routine you’re already halfway to an aerobic workout. Of course, anger is not a characteristic that only benefits the short-fused or the easily-offended among us; if you bottle your anger up you will soon realize you have a wealth of emotion that can be spent doing an angry dance. Just find an abandoned warehouse that for some inexplicable reason is ideal for gymnastics, and you yourself can rock out all your anger at the fact that John Lithgow has banned dancing in your small mid-Western farm town. That’s applicable to everyone right?
- Be late
Listen, I understand that exercise (in most cases) inevitably requires some form of effort. The trick is to mask that effort in the form of other things such as survival. The need to keep your job or pass your class will easily keep you distracted from the fact that you are actually doing physical work. Almost missing your bus every day is the perfect way to keep a strict jogging regimen. Even better than that, maybe even set your watch back a few minutes and force yourself to scramble to every class, meeting and appointment you’ve got. It may seem rude at first, but your superiors will understand if you tell them that you are only trying to keep in shape. The higher-ups are very compassionate to this type of thing.
- Be inventive
Let’s just go ahead an address the age old question: how can I eat while still exercising? It’s easy! First, use wrist and ankle weights every time you go out to get food and every time you start eating food. Just imagine the amount of reps you’ll be doing every time you lift your fork from your plate to your mouth. Additionally, more reps mean more results so you’d be best to shovel as much food in your mouth as possible, as fast as possible. Of course, wrist weights won’t always be enough so it is important that you try to seek out the heaviest food possible. In these cases, just forego the fork and knife altogether and lift that mutant-sized chicken leg to your face, as if it was a dumbbell.
- Be parasitic
Thus far, all the tips given still require some form of effort. Well to that I say: say goodbye to even having to be awake in order to exercise. That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, follow the correct steps and you barely even have to move a muscle in order to keep yourself fit. The AbTronic and the Slender Shaper are both exercise devices put on the market in the past few years that are actually meant to work out your abs, thighs, butt, back, whatever, while you relax and take it easy. Both contraptions look similar to a fanny pack and emit electronic pulses that are meant to stimulate your body’s muscles while you don’t even so much as break a sweat. Sure the AbTronic has been pulled from certain markets due to false advertisement, but that isn’t something that should concern you, is it? Loungers may also be interested in the Hawaii Chair, a machine that swivels and works your core while you simply sit there and get on with your life.
Disclaimer: Please do not take any of this advice.
