Is res life actually as crazy the media portrays it?

When most people think of life in Res (residence at the U of M), they conjure up images of wild toga parties and keggers complete with drunken debauchery! It’s easy to envision hilarious initiation rituals into Greek fraternities, like having to wrestle in a kiddie pool filled with Jell-O. I always thought that the pranks pulled in Res were so uncanny that no one dared to report them! Imagine my surprise when I found out that living on campus wasn’t quite as crazy as the reliable documentaries Old School and National Lampoon’s Animal House lead me to believe! I decided that I had better get to the bottom of this utter confusion. But, where better to learn about Res than from one of the movies mentioned above, one may ask? I’ve got your answer — “Real talk” from an actual residence resident! Fortunately, Katrina Sofillas was lucky enough to be approached by me for an interview! Here is a brief excerpt from the sit-down chat I had with this self-proclaimed “Res expert”.

Brendan Salakoh: For our readers who are unfamiliar, what is Res like?

Katrina Sofillas: First of all, I live in Taché West: West is the best! The first week is like the busiest social week possible. No one’s in their room — all doors are open. Within two days, letters went up saying laptops had been stolen.

B.S.: Sounds dangerous. Do you eat at the Res cafeteria, or do you live off of Kraft Dinner and microwave popcorn like everyone else?

K.S.: Both! I love KD, but Pembina Hall has its upsides. You can steal food, secretly.

B.S.: Res is a place where pranks are known to happen. Please elaborate:

K.S.: A friend went away for Thanksgiving, and when they were gone, we completely bombarded their room with toilet paper.

B.S.: Fresh! Res is portrayed as a place where large amounts of alcohol are consumed . . . are you drunk right now?

K.S.: Am I drunk right now . . . um, no. But, lots of people drink. One of my friends was drunk, and had class at 1:30.

B.S.: Quarters: Great drinking game or the greatest drinking game?

K.S.: Greatest. I don’t know if you can get to the point where you play other games. If you start with Quarters, it’s all downhill from there.

B.S.: Fair enough. Are there parties every day like the documentaries Old School and National Lampoon’s Animal House suggest?

K.S.: Well, there’s always someone on some floor drinking. The first floor is known for their rowdiness.

B.S.: Do students tease you because you live at school?

K.S.: No. Well, I’ve heard a few jokes. It really takes a toll on the self-esteem.

B.S.: I can see that this subject is uncomfortable for you. Moving on: is there some sort of initiation ritual to get into Res?

K.S.: It’s pretty conservative on the fourth floor, but maybe on first and second floor though.

B.S.: On a more serious note, do you miss your family?

K.S.: Yeah, the first year I did for sure . . . especially when you have pets. I miss my dog more than I miss my parents (laugh). In Res, your floor is like your family.

B.S.: If Res is like a family, what member do you consider yourself, the mom, or the awkward second cousin?

K.S.: Well, I’m like a big sister to some of the girls. Mostly, my job is to gossip.

B.S.: Enlighten our readers to some of the latest gossip from Res!

K.S.: Well, I can’t use names. So, let’s just say this girl called “The Nutritionist” was in love with this guy named “Mohawk boy,” but he wasn’t interested. So, she became interested in “Fauxhawk guy”, and now they’re going on a date. Now, Mohawk Boy might be jealous, but Fauxhawk Guy doesn’t care because he’s got the Nutritionist hooked.

B.S.: That’s a great story (sarcasm). That’s the best you can do?

K.S.: Well, there’s a pudding party for girls, and guys only get to watch.
Everyone brings Jell-O and pudding and puts it into two kiddie pools . . .

B.S.: That’s more like it! What does one do for fun in Res, other than the stuff already discussed?

K.S.: Um, there’s a projector screen, where we watch movies at night or on weekends. And, there’s pool and snacks. Sometimes, our floor will go out to eat, like on Pembina, at Palatal.

B.S.: You had me at projector screen! It’s commonly perceived that one who lives on campus would never be late for class. Is this a fair assumption?

K.S.: No! Last year I didn’t plan my schedule well and had early classes. Now, if I skip class, I can go to a different, later lecture. I go to class through the tunnels in winter, sometimes in PJs!

B.S.: Must be nice! How many toga parties have you frequented in the last week?

K.S.: One. well, not necessarily toga, but there is a graffiti party!

B.S.: Is someone in charge at Res, or do the students roam free?

K.S.: Well, the RAs are supposed to take care of you, but I never see them. There is security at night.

B.S.: There must be long lines for the girl’s bathrooms?

K.S.: No, it’s not even bad. I can go to the washroom and no one will even be in there. Same with the showers!

B.S.: Are there “group” showers? You know what I mean . . .

K.S.: Hahaha, you wish — but there is a forbidden tub!

B.S.: Thanks for speaking with us today Katrina. All the stuff that I said would be “off the record” might actually be on the record. Sorry!

Well, there you have it! To my astonishment, there was no mention of beer bonging, getting paddled, or streaking. How about that? Who knew that Res was so boring? Certainly not I nor the countless others who watch films of the college-comedy genre! Although no major shenanigans seem to happen on Res, there was talk of some minor hijinx, like people occasionally garnering noise complaints and the like. Apparently Res isn’t much different than living at home, except that at home, you don’t have the luxury of waking up five minutes before class starts. Interestingly enough, it seems as though Res residents actually come to school to learn and study like most other students. Who would’ve thought? So, the next time you see a Res student, don’t try to learn their secret handshake or chug a beer with them. Instead, heckle them for still managing to show up late for class, and offer to help them toilet paper a friend’s dorm room! That’s what Res is really about!