Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda

100 things that (surprisingly) did not happen in 2005

Shawna Sweeney and Aaron Levere with Kyle Lamothe, Signy Holmes, Anthony Torres, Patrick Botts and Cindy Tam
Illustrations by Galen Johnson

The summer Olympics should have been moved up a few years and held in Iraq to try to inspire the kind of domestic peace that only javelin throwing can.

Cars should have been outlawed due to a peak oil scare causing a massive spike in profits for the bicycling industry and making NASCAR a bike race.

Flesh-eating zombies should have taken over the governments of some number of countries or a major corporate media conglomerate. But then again, maybe they did and no one noticed.

Lance Armstrong should have just sucked it up and gotten a fake nut and stopped pimping those ridiculous “LIVE STRONG! ARMSTRONG!” bracelets.

Pig Latin should have become the official language of the United States. No one would have noticed that, either.

A major disease epidemic should have spread through the word that freakishly gave people telepathic powers and created world peace through sudden understanding.

Celine Dion should have gotten a terrible haircut that resulted in shame and public ridicule bringing an end to her career as a diva.

Somewhere a woman was bludgeoned to death at Zellers when she took the last iPod Nano from the sales shelf, inciting another customer to beat her to death with a DVD boxed set of Degrassi Jr. High.

Pepsi should have come out with new brand of soda called “Crack” that allowed them to compete fairly with Coke in the never-ending cola taste test.

A super intelligent race of robots should have taken over the world and instructed the people of Earth to start treating each other better. Even robots know how to treat people better than we do.

Starbucks should have gone bankrupt due to a coffee bean famine, thus opening the market to coffee that does not suck.

Same sex marriage is now legal, but why not just make it mandatory?

I’m not religious, but if you look at the numbers, in the year 2000 AJ (After Jesus) nothing biblical happened. However, the digits of 2005 add up to 7 which is apparently His favourite number, so this really should have been the year that that big religious thing happened that everyone has been waiting for. Maybe at Christmas.

A huge revival of one of the following: dixieland, barbershop quartets, old school rap, madrigals, Swiss yodeling or stadium rock à la Rush.

Neil Young’s new solo album ended up being his main focus, but this was supposed to be the year of his big children’s project: Sharon, Lois, Bram and Young.

A man was killed when he walked in front of a train while watching the Dukes of Hazzard on his iPod. “He just paid $300 for it,” sobbed his mother. “It was one of those that played videos. He loved it more than life itself.”

How many scientists are there in the world already? They really should have figured it all out by now. Science has become a sad living example of the lightbulb joke. The universe can’t be that big.

The Jets should have been part of the deal to end the NHL lockout.

Hans Island should have declared independence as the African Republic of Bono.

Depending on how coalitions could have shaped up to save the government in the dying hours, either marijuana would now be legal or caffeine wouldn’t be.

Stephen King should have released his first romance novel called The Night Stand that detailed one woman’s intimate relationship with her vibrator.

U.S. President Bush drunkenly signed an executive order renaming Manitoba “North North Dakota.”  No one told Canada and no Americans noticed.

U.S. President Bush drunkenly signed an executive order changing all “p.m.” times to “a.m.” to extend daylight savings time by 12 hours.  Americans all noticed, but still missed their afternoon appointments.

Tired of being the butt of juvenile sexual jokes, city officials in Regina should have just renamed the city “Rulva.”

Before the election was called, the Bloc Québecois were just about to pass legislation establishing “Kwebeck;” a separate province for all anglo-Quebecers.  It is located on a floating barge in the St. Lawrence River.

A science fair experiment went horribly wrong when two teenagers were electrocuted trying to see if they could “toast” their iPods in the toaster to give them new textures or colour.

The CFL’s popularity would have increased immensely in early 2005 if the field was made smaller, covered with ice and the ball became a small black disc that is moved down the field with long wooden sticks.

NASCAR officials issued a press release to debunk rumors that the R stands for “Rednecks.”  “It was, is and always shall be Riff-Raff,” said the president of the newly renamed NASCARR.

The lottery corporation takes over bottle deposits.  “One in every million empty pop cans is now worth $500,000!!!  Could it be yours?”

General Motors, the world’s largest automaker, declared bankruptcy and roundly screwed their entire workforce out of pensions and health care.  When asked what happened, a GM spokesman simply shrugged and said, “Sorry.  We can’t do math very well.”

J.D. Salinger came out of hiding in New Hampshire to declare the end of the world.  “I can’t imagine it’s too goddamn far off,” he said in a personal statement to the media.

Jane Fonda toured Iraq with a live stage show in hopes of improving troop morale but was tragically gunned down in a sudden insurgent battle.  This was followed by a short parade and 21 gun salute in Vietnam.

Australia grew weary of being excluded from the G8 and formed their own club for world domination.  They also invited Tonga, Madagascar and New Zealand to join.  They are now the WTF4.

Following a sharp surge in personal e-publishing, thousands of shitty novels flooded Internet markets, causing spontaneous blindness for a majority of Internet users.

A computer virus programmed to play Titanic midi’s on repeat for 72 hours straight hit iPods everywhere, resulting in the deaths of at least 37 Deftones fans.

John Denver rose from the dead to comment on the decline of the airline industry.  “I’m leaving on a jet plane,” he said. “But I don’t know when I’ll be back again.  Jet fuel is really expensive now and I don’t know if I will be able to afford a return ticket.”

Silent films made a sudden comeback, causing a dramatic spike in the number of students enrolled in piano lessons and writing courses.  It also forced people to learn how to read again.

Queen Elizabeth II had a scandalous affair with Bob Hope, but despite media hype the relationship was never consummated as it turns out that they are both actually dead.

Facing old age and a failing career, Wilford Brimley agreed to be the spokesman for an elderly dating service called “Sex For Seniors.”  When questioned about promiscuity among aging demographics, Brimley promptly had a heart attack and died.  He was buried with a can of Quaker Oats and a smile on his face.

So many monkeys, so many typewriters, surely someone somewhere could have tapped that resource by now.

The government could be doing more to prevent people from smoking. In 2005, random packs of smokes should have contained gag cigarettes that explode. Also the packages should all be completely covered with the simple warning, “YOU ARE GOING TO DIE!”

People who should have come out of retirement: Bill Waterson (Calvin and Hobbes creator), Mark Messier, Tina Turner, Arsenio Hall, Walkmans and the Kids in the Hall.

People who should have retired: the Toronto Maple Leafs, the Rolling Stones, Saturday Night Live, Aaron Levere, EmÕke Szathmáry and the new Pope.

I’m not saying that Paul McCartney should have died, but if he’s the last surviving Beatle . . . Eat your veggies, Ringo!

Did Spain even do anything this year? Stop being so lazy Spain!

Nunavut should have started on their “Great Snow Fort” by now to cut themselves off from the South.

During the negotiation of the softwood lumber dispute, Canada should have proposed trading southern Ontario for Alaska while they were at it.

Why didn’t the terrorists just start a political party? That’s effective too, right?

Donald Trump should have finally come clean and admitted his hair is nothing but long and carefully arranged ear fuzz.

Don Cherry should stop teasing us and just wear a damn clown suit already.

2005 was the World Year of Physics and no one told me!? Oh the humanity!

The MTS Centre should have come up with some way to book the Guess Who, even if it meant changing the name to the “Nipdome.”

Someone should have noticed that Americans will never love boring hockey; they’d much rather watch cars go round-and-round. In fact, to make hockey interesting, we’d have to have an intense race lasting much longer than the average attention span. In other words: speedskating.

Someone should have legislated a mandatory break between Halloween and the ever-expanding Christmas “Season,” as well as a total ban of “I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus”

An elderly man choked to death on a pair of ear buds after mistaking them for his pills.  “He was starting to get a little senile,” said his wife.  “But I honestly didn’t think it was this bad.”

The government should have fallen earlier to allow the marketing department time to mass produce politician bobbleheads — perfect for stocking stuffers!

To show up Paul Martin and his South Beach diet, Stephen Harper could have just stopped eating entirely.

Someone could have come up with a new, original and actually funny “Knock knock” joke. . . it’s been years people.

Less non-Haikus, more Haikus.

It is still possible to take a poop in a public washroom without being sold a cell-phone; maybe they’ll have all the stalls covered by this time next year.

Viagra was found to turn into estrogen in the liver, causing old men and 20-something, thrill-seeking boys to grow man-boobs.

The Japanese have landed a spacecraft on a moving asteroid, but Canadians still haven’t invented a winter hat that can prevent embarassingly extreme cases of “Toque hair.”

People have been asking the same question for the past 21 years: “Unless fictional books have been lying to me, shouldn’t our every move and thought be monitored by some sort of omnipresent Big Brother by now?”

Someone could have successfully made the “mutten-chops-with-bald-head” look cool again. But who? I’m looking your way, Peter Mansbridge.

It’s a year overdue, but maybe Steven Seagal’s comeback will start in 2006.

Things were almost a lot worse with the “Avian flu” when a call to respond to the situation accidently went out to British rock legends the Who rather than the World Health Organization.

Polar bear habitat is increasingly threatened by global warming, which in a perverse way is good for the Canadian economy. The dollar is worth the same, but in 2005 economists expected the bears to go extinct, leading to predictions that the toonie would become a collector’s item, increasing its value.

If the city’s plan to privatize garbage collection had gone through, public garbage cans would now be equipped with coin slots. Littering would still be free.

Air Canada quickly retracted its plans for its latest cost-cutting sceme, “Bring a seat and save!” In its report, Transport Canada called the idea “obviously illegal,” “desperate,” and “stupid.”

People should have scoffed at Avian flu. Killer bees? Yeah right. Global warming? No way, José! Peak oil? Not likely. Killer ducks? Seems plausable. . . ?!

The city could have saved a lot of trouble by spending no money at all on mosquito fogging and flood preparation, and way more money on keeping the river frozen all year round.

2005 is the year when walkmans, the kind that play cassettes, died out. Stores don’t carry them anymore, but last year they did. I thought we were all spastically excited about the 80s, but I guess not that excited.

Dungeons and Dragons should have come back in a major way with gamers who missed that physical element of the game and wanted another chance to bust out their dice rolling moves.

Shawna Sweeney should never have agreed to dog sit.

Someone really should have taken Hugo Chavez up on his cheap gas offer. If only for the image of the Venezuelan president in coveralls, jogging to the pump with a squeegee and cleaning your windshield.

At least one domestic dispute ended in the tragic strangling death of a young woman by her younger sister after she refused to stop playing “Since U Been Gone” by Kelly Clarkson on repeat on her iPod.  After three hours, her sibling could not take it anymore and strangled her with her own earbuds.  The authorities were sympathetic and released her on a $5 bail.

Stephen Hawking should have released a series of books on tape that included his readings of A Brief History of Time, The Chronicles of Narnia, and Bridget Jones’ Diary.

The United Nations passed a resolution declaring televised golf to be a “crime against humanity.”

During the riots in France, President Chirac should have tried to blame it all on the influence of violent video games.

A good joke if you’re ever the new Governor-General of Canada is to immediately try to have someone beheaded. Then, just when the axe is about to fall, yell “just kidding!” They’ll be so relieved and you’ll seem more like one of the people. That was probably a once in a lifetime opportunity, Michelle Jean.

How did this whole year go by without a single dance sensation that swept the nation?

Paris Hilton, Nicole Ritchie and Kimberly Stewart admitted to being the Illuminati, and the true authors of “The DaVinci Code.”

The College of Cardinals is dissolved by Pope Benedict XVI because he is tired of their incessant snarky comments on what “The Real Pope” would have done.

Bill Gates. iPod listeners. Snipers. ‘Nuff said.

British Prime Minister Tony Blair was revealed to be a robot when a programming glitch caused him to repeat “Esteemed President George Bush’s War on Terror” like a skipping record during Question period.

Ever compassionate, the Dalai Lama continues to order Chinese food on a regular basis.

The last surviving members of an Everest expedition were killed when a ledge collapsed beneath their feet. They were searching for the bodies of some of the other members of their party, attempting to retrieve the only iPod with the kick-ass “descending Everest” playlist.

True story. You know the one ton challenge that tries to get Canadians to reduce their impact on climate change by reducing their greenhouse gas emissions by a ton? In 2005, Canadians on average increased their emissions by approximately a ton. Seriously. We got that all wrong.

At the First Ministers meeting in Kelowna between the premiers, the prime minister and various Aboriginal Peoples’ organizations, Paul Martin was supposed to announce that all immigrants, “settlers,” and their descendants would be leaving the continent by year-end.

Intelligent Design should not only have been incorporated into school curricula, but rules should also have been put in place suspending anyone caught evolving in class.

Tired of being excluded, Ross Perot and Ralph Nader should have started their own country whose sole industry is televised debates.

There should have been at least a couple of cases where drivers trying to get their iPods to work with their car stereo, snapped and veered off a bridge. This is inevitable.

What kind of a god would take Mr. Miyagi from us all, but leave us with Ralph Macchio? Not one who loves karate, that’s for sure.

In the spirit of electoral reform, it should have been unanimously agreed upon that the upcoming election would be decided through a bonspiel.

In July of this year the Japanese freighter, “Godzilla” struck a stray iceberg, spilling millions of iPods into the waters of the northern Pacific. The crewmen were all lost. Volunteers are still trying to save sea bird habitat along the Baja penninsula, mopping up iPods day and night.

A lot of patrons are disapointed that the new Millenium Library doesn’t have any books from previous millenia, just 2000 AD and on.

Where was this announcement: “Well everyone, we, the artists of the world, have pretty much done everything that can possibly be done with painting over the past few centuries and hereby declare painting to be over.”?

A bus rider in Austin was found by the driver with his iPod wedged between his ribs after reportedly refusing to stop dancing in his seat and humming loudly off-key.

The Coalition of Disgruntled Postal Workers (CoDPoW) should have fired their PR representatives when it was revealed that their public image has shown no improvement for the 23rd consecutive year.

A buncha stuff totally shoulda been way, way more awesomer. (Thanks for suggesting this one, Steve!)