Boring no more

How to be really, really interesting

Shawna Sweeney, Volunteer Staff

From time to time, even the most involved and aware among us start to wonder if we might have lost that certain joie de vivre. Life starts to seem routine. You find yourself droning on and on about work and school and school and work and can’t remember when you had anything else to talk about. You lie in bed at night and think, “Oh man…I am really boring. Everything I do is boring. Everything I say is boring. Why do I even have any friends? And what is sex like?”

Luckily there are a few simple things you can do that will help switch up the routine and switch on your fascinating new life. These 10 unbeatable suggestions are guaranteed to make you more interesting and chase the “I’m boring” blues away screaming.

1. Build a giant donkey out of rocks. The most important part of building a giant donkey out of rocks is location, location, location. You want to build it somewhere with high visibility (like your backyard) so you can proudly point to it and tell involved, individual stories of how you collected each rock from exotic riverbeds, mountainsides and parking lots.

2. Volunteer at a non-profit organization. What better way to tug at the heart strings of a potential mate than telling them that you teach immigrant orphans how to read or knit blankets for the homeless? If you go down to the local food bank and pitch in right now you could probably be getting laid by tonight!

3. Learn an obscure language. The beauty of learning to speak an obscure language is that even if you really are boring, no one will know because they won’t understand a word you’re saying. Some good languages to consider are Celtic, Bengali or Finnish.

4. Practice random activism. Randomly supporting social and political causes will keep your friends guessing about what belief system or meaty discussion you’ll come up with next. They’ll never know what to expect and come back wanting more every time.

5. Collect bellybutton lint. There are many practical uses for a bellybutton lint collection, but the first step is removing the lint from your bellybutton and sealing it in a jar by your bed. Then when your friends come over you can point out different colours and tell them about all the cute outfits you wore that week.

6. Make a papier mache cast. Mix up a sloppy batch of papier mache and spend a fun-filled afternoon choosing your major injury! You could have fallen under a bus pushing an elderly woman out of harm’s way and broken your kneecap or twisted your ankle table dancing at a local strip club or fractured your hand karate chopping that unsavoury fellow from the bar last night. Dealer’s choice!

7. Get a pet monkey. This one doesn’t require much explanation. As an added bonus, if anybody asks, “Why do you have a monkey for a pet?” you can say, “Haven’t you always wanted a monkey?”

8. Contract a rare disease. Most people are suckers for pain and suffering. If you tell them that you have a rare disease like encephalitis or anal fissures they will pity you and ask involved questions about your medical treatment.

9. Run the Iditarod. After you reveal that you raced a crackerjack dog sled team across 1700 kilometres of treacherous wilderness and tundra, all other conversation will grind to a halt and everyone in the room will simply turn to stare and bask in the gentle glow of your intrigue.

10. Serve time in a foreign prison. A diplomatic mission to Uzbekistan or a month long vacation in Thailand is incomplete without a little quality time in the foreign prison system. When you return to the motherland, you can relate chilling tales from the gulag and horrors from the deep dark of an oubliette in Angola. (Note: While the United States is closest geographically and probably easiest to get arrested in, everyone will just assume you went down for something ridiculous like tax fraud or jaywalking. Don’t bother.)