G8 leaders battle for world domination!

Bono gets G8 and U2 confused

Shawna Sweeney and Aaron Levere
Illustrations by TED BARKER

Forget everything you know about politics. About the differences between left and right. The distance between east and west. In the quest for world power, petty issues like ideologies and foreign policy have been cast aside to make room for important concerns like refined looks and wealth. These are the determinants of power that truly matter. This scientific analysis of each world leader provides valuable insights into the global power dynamics that shape our lives. These are the facts and figures that have been so desperately lacking in the major media. Here lies the truth.

Name: Silvio Berlusconi, Prime Minister of Italy
Nickname: The Cavalier
Net worth: $12 billion (billion! with a “B”)
Hobbies: Swimming in coin vaults, giggling. Subtle mind control.
Fun facts: Berlusconi’s beginnings were humble, but his next act was to take the political and media arenas by storm! He worked his way through college as a singing waiter, but now controls 90 per cent of Italy’s national media.
Shawna: I heard there was a slight disturbance at the G8 summit this year when Berlusconi whipped his cock out and started waving it at everyone screaming, “I’m the king of the world! I have more money than all of you!” Nobody said anything to him. They just conducted business as usual until Chirac leaned over and whispered, “Silvi . . . Please put it away. You’re causing a scene.”
Aaron: Silvio now owns the Manitoban. So, full marks.
Rating: All That He Can’t Leave Behind - 4 / 5

Name: George W. Bush, President of the United States of America
Nickname: King George
Net worth: $15 million (Yee-haw!)
Hobbies: Turning a blind eye to poverty, public opinion, foreign affairs, common sense, history, geography, physics, economics, environmental policies or the good of living things everywhere. Yee-haw!
Fun facts: Drove his country into a $7.9 billion deficit. The deepest ever! His daddy loves him very much. Yee-haw!
Shawna: His track record really speaks for itself. Is there anything he hasn’t done wrong yet?
Aaron: I’ve never even heard of this guy. It’s hard to find any information on him. Is he the one they call “the Edge?” Why are his eyes so tiny in proportion to his head?
Rating: Wide Awake in ’merica - 1 / 5

Name: Tony Blair, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom
Nickname: Phony Tony
Net worth: $3 million
Hobbies: Shopping for earmuffs. Jumping on bandwagons.
Fun facts: Tony Blair’s father was born as the illegitimate son of two British actors. He was later adopted by Scottish shipriggers and inducted into their quiet, simple life. They did not have dental insurance.
Shawna: I think George W. Bush might be secretly controlling Tony Blair via tiny radio receivers implanted in the soft tissue of his earlobes.
Aaron: What?! …WHAT?! I can’t hear you, let me put on my giant novelty ears. There, that’s better . . . Yes, quite.
Rating: War! - 2.5 / 5

Name: Paul Martin, Prime Minister of Canada
Nickname: Mr. Dithers
Net worth: $225 million
Hobbies: Playing with sailboats. Tax evasion.
Fun facts: Paul Martin’s favourite movie is Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. And his favourite colour is beige.
Aaron: Paul was interviewed by Narduar the Human Serviette who asked the PM if, when faced with a difficult decision, does he ever ask himself what Bono would do? Paul said that he doesn’t have to. That’s unwise, Paul.
Shawna: I can’t believe this! My favourite colour is beige, too! It’s unreal how much we have in common!
Rating: Buoy - 1 / 5

Name: Jacques Chirac, President of France
Nickname: Chameleon Bonaparte, Le Bulldozer
Net worth: $9 million
Hobbies: Fraud and Brit-bashing.
Fun facts: Survived an assassination attempt by a lone gunman, who was then sentenced to 10 years in prison, and his right extremist organization was disbanded.
Aaron: Best. DJ names. Ever. “You’re listening to Jacques Chirac, less talk, more rock!” OR Chameleon Bonaparte! Tonight at le Bulldozer with Shimmy-Shimmy Jimmy and the Zooropas. 10 Quid. He was the mayor of Paris for the first 18 years of my life. That makes me feel so inadequate when I think about how I spent that time.
Shawna: Chirac was a fox back in the day. He looked just like James Dean. If I had a time machine, I would travel back to 1950s France and hit that like whoa.
Rating: Chamelon - 4 / 5

Name: Vladimir Putin, President of Russia
Nickname: “The New Guy”
Net worth: Mysteriously unknown.
Hobbies: Terrorizing Chechnya. Practicing Judo. Oppressing the mewling masses.
Fun facts: Putin was raised among rats in a tenement house, where he was forced to learn Judo to protect his mother on her long walks home from the sweatshop. He later married a flight attendant and got promoted to head of state!
Shawna: Putin sounds like a total bad ass. I wonder if he would want to be my friend? They say he looks a bit like Dobby from Harry Potter. But I don’t see it. Dobby is way cuter.
Aaron: Great, you said the Dobby thing. That’s all I know about Putin, too. Mmm . . . Poutine!
Rating: Under a Black Belt Sky - 3.5 / 5

Name: Bono, Emperor of Africa
Nickname: God, His Royal Flyness
Net worth: Economists theorize that U2 has earned approximately $1.1 billion over the course of their career. Current estimates rank U2 as the 10th richest ‘person’ in Ireland with $700 million.
Hobbies: Owning expensive hotels in Dublin. Having sleepovers with Bob Geldhof.
Fun facts: Besides owning hotels and ruling Africa with an iron fist, Bono also performs in an Irish rock and roll quartet in his spare time. He meets regularly with cancer to try to convince it to donate more money to find a cure for itself.
Aaron: I couldn’t finish my taco the other day and suddenly Bono showed up and started laying a guilt-trip on me about kids in Mexican restaurants in Ireland who can’t even afford mexi-fries, and that they would love to eat the rest of my taco. I felt terrible. I gave him a dollar. That guy is effective!
Shawna: Don’t feel bad about the taco . . . or the dollar. You fell victim to the sweet thrall of Bono’s Irish space magic. See, Bono is actually a supernatural force sent here by an alien intelligence that has dedicated the last ten eons to interstellar pop colonialism. U2 is just the latest track in their maniacal quest for galactic audio domination. All our base will soon belong to them.
Rating: Rattle (your cup) and Hum (for spare change) - 5 / 5 (at least!)

Name: Junichiro Koizumi, Prime Minister of Japan
Nickname: Lionheart
Net worth: $2 million
Hobbies: Watching old Elvis movies. Waiting for the mailman.
Fun facts: In his spare time, Koizumi enjoys taking long walks on the beach at sunset and privatizing the postal service.
Aaron: Best hair. That’s it.
Shawna: It has so much gloss and volume . . . I wonder what kind of product he uses?
Rating: How to Dismantle an Atomic Postal Service - 2 / 5

Name: Gerhard Schroeder, Chancellor of Germany (but not for long)
Nickname: The Car Chancellor
Net worth: $1 million
Hobbies: Working out his commitment issues. Reading self-help books.
Fun facts: Schroeder has been married four times. And though each relationship lasts a bit longer than the one before . . .
Aaron: It doesn’t even matter what we say about him. By the time we write this, he’ll be retired, remarried and forced to return to the Black Forest to make cakes and ham for us all. He’s being replaced by the German version of Margaret Thatcher! He really ruined everything.
Shawna: I’m sure he bakes a delicious pastry. And I hear the Black Forest is lovely this time of year. His wives will adore it.
Rating: Achtung Babies - 2.5 / 5