Probing Insights

When vibrators were available at Sears

Denise Brunsdon, The McGill Daily (McGill University)

OTTAWA (CUP) -- Move over, sliced bread, it looks like we’ve overlooked the greatest invention of all time -- the vibrator.

The vibrator has been an invaluable tool for improving the quality of life for all humans for over a century, whether they use one or merely spend time with someone who does. And, like many of modern man’s technological achievements, the vibrator’s story begins with modern man’s inability to please his wife.

You see, once upon a time, centuries ago, women began to fall terribly ill. En masse, women seemed to be experiencing a variety of symptoms such as emotional distress, forgetfulness, distractedness and irritability. Rather than call this problem by its rightful name -- sexual frustration (and thereby imply that women were sexual beings whose needs were not properly met by their wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am husbands) -- doctors diagnosed the problem vaguely as a disorder termed “hysteria.”

The cure for sexual dissatisfaction, in almost every case, is some good, long orgasming. How does one prescribe an orgasm? “Easy,” said the male doctors: “we will schedule appointments with hysteria patients, and with our fingers we will apply ‘therapeutic massage’ to their genitals until we can induce ‘hysterical paroxysm.’” And that is what they did.

Now, dear reader, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking this is all very unbelievable and you still don’t see how this led to the creation of the vibrator.

Well, as you can imagine, there were a good many sexually dissatisfied women who needed treatment, and not anywhere near enough hours in the day for doctors to sit around getting them all off. And, necessity being the mother of invention, a British physician created a machine whereby any doctor could use an electrically-powered, vibrating device to speed up the rate of treatment, and thus see more patients in a day.

By the turn of the century, electricity had reached most homes in the developed world. Which, of course, lead to the creation of at-home treatment kits — what we now consider the modern vibrator. These portable vibrators, available in any Sears and Roebuck calendar up to as late as 1918, were used by widows and soccer moms alike who just needed that little pick-me-up. The boxes of these at-home vibrator kits often displayed a lovely housewife happily holding the product, while her husband and 2.5 kids played in the background. Eat your heart out, Mrs. Cleaver.

As the porn industry began to explore and depict the boundaries of vibrator use, the object quickly developed a negative social stigma that persists, in some circles, to this day. Apparently, only sex-crazed nymphos, not wholesome soccer moms, would dare to become sexually empowered. Oh, and apparently sex-crazed nymphos are bad people.

Critics aside, I would still argue that the vibrator is the greatest invention of all time. And to you non-believers, I would further venture that if you had any idea of the widespread use and corresponding indirect increase in quality of life for all society, you would be believers in a heartbeat.

And for all those not yet on board, but currently in the market for a vibrator (or even just a dildo), I would recommend visiting www.joytoyz.com or www.veneztelsquels.com for complete online sex toys stores. They have a variety of plastic, silicone, and jelly dildos and vibrators, as well as a knowledgeable staff that can help you select the product and corresponding lubricant that’s right for you. They also have a discreet mailing policy for those who live at home or in rez and don’t feel like informing the world of their new acquisition. Though we’ve come a long way, I guess we’re still not as progressive as Sears customers were circa 1910.