Summer how-tos: Surviving the fam
Delicious pies are a trap!
Shawna Sweeney, Staff
There is a hidden menace buried deep within the gentle rhythms of the summer BBQ season. Somewhere between leisurely days and casual evenings ticks the perilous time bomb of family reunions. Distant relatives arrive in droves with embarrassing stories and diffi cult questions that can quickly reduce you to the emotional state of an eight-year-old. Here there be monsters.
Events like this can certainly be a painful business, but these are people who care about you. They would never hurt you on purpose. All they really want is for you to have a good time. Having fun at a family reunion may sound unlikely, but observing a few simple rules can help safeguard your sanity and keep you out of therapy.
Listen for key words. You can sidestep many unsavoury conversations by listening carefully for words like cancer, pregnant, marriage or divorce. If you hear these in any combination, it is time to go. No good can come of this. Get out of there as soon as possible or you’ll find yourself discussing the grim details of cousin Tracy’s most recent affair.
Avoid the buffet table. Don’t be seduced by the steaming hot dishes and delicious pies. It’s a trap. The food will be surrounded by armies of aunts ready to rip and tear at your tender flesh with heavy-hitting questions like, “How are the old job prospects?” and “What are your plans for the future?” Eat before the party to avoid snacking your way through, “So, are you seeing anyone right now?”
Don’t go outside. This is where they send the kids after they turn into screaming monsters. The only thing you will find out there is a stampede of unruly children and Uncle Pete demonstrating an inhuman ability to squirt milk out of his left eye. Unless you have a raincoat or pepper spray, don’t even think about it.
Just say no to photos. If you catch sight of a camera, it is best to evacuate the area before you are trapped in a photo opportunity. One camera will inevitably turn into ten cameras and a crowd of people. It is much easier to remove yourself from this situation than to suff er the consequences of a generation that is challenged by the modern miracle of flash photography.
Offer to help. It is a good idea to keep busy and volunteer for miscellaneous tasks. This can sometimes backfire and lead to something unpleasant like putting up tents or moving heavy objects, but even hard manual labour is better than listening to Grandpa Tom ramble about fruitless attempts at breeding his cow and buff alo into a beefalo.
Smile and nod. The illusion of interest will keep a conversation going without you. The mind can roam free as random cousins drone on and on about spouses and children. Your neck may get tired after a while, but try to remember that it can’t last forever. They have to go home sooner or later.
