Canada has become a loser nation
Scott C. Bourgeois
EDMONTON (The Gateway) — I love my country. With Canada Day come and gone, though, I can’t help but find myself getting a little introspective towards this land of mine. And I have to admit, I don’t like what I see.
Canada is no longer a great nation. We’re a loser nation. If the world were high school, Canada would be the lame kid who hangs out with all the popular girls, while they all make fun of her to her face. The popular kids — especially that America — tell Canada to do crazy things to help “make her cool,” then laugh at her when she tries to do them.
Canada is spineless, you see. She’s so afraid of getting ostracized by her “friends” that she lets them walk all over her. Deep down, she knows they think she’s a loser, but she refuses to wake up and really see that. She thinks she needs jerks like them, and she’s afraid to lose them.
Worse still, Canada doesn’t actually like kids like America. Sure, America’s popular, but she’s a cruel bitch, and Canada knows it. Canada tries hard to let other kids know that she’s not like that, but she’s so desperate to be popular that she just turns around and does whatever America asks of her.
Oh, she’ll get bold when the popular kids aren’t around. You should see what Canada says about America behind her back, to the other loser kids who are jealous of the fact that she gets to hang out with America. If America ever hears the things Canada has to say, though, America will push Canada around until Canada awkwardly takes back whatever she said. Then the popular kids all laugh at her and walk away, and Canada laughs too and hurries up to follow them.
Canada has a reputation, too: the reputation is that she’s a drunken airhead. She got that reputation at one of the parties she “accidentally didn’t get invited to.” Canada got sloshed on punch and made an ass of herself, then got sick in Britain’s car on the way home. She doesn’t do anything to change that stereotype, though, because it’s all she’s got and she’s too afraid to lose it.
Despite the airhead reputation, Canada isn’t stupid. America kind of is, though, so Canada pretends she’s stupid, because, obviously, that’s the way the popular kids are. America has dumb answers to questions, and tends to believe her father — a southern Baptist — over things like “facts” and “reason.” Canada tries to give advice to America from time to time, but America doesn’t want to hear it because she thinks she’s smarter than Canada. Then she laughs at Canada.
They steal from her, too. Canada knows it. America and the other popular kids steal everything from her, from money to pieces of her lunch. The first few times Canada called them on it, but they called it the price of being cool. Now Canada just turns a blind eye to it and worries about how hungry she’ll be until dinnertime.
She does have real friends. There are a few kids in the school who respect her, and even wish they were as pretty and nice as she was, but Canada turns her back on them to be like America. The other kids watch in dismay, because they see the assholes for what they are and they know that, deep down, Canada really is a nice kid; really, they all wish she’d just act like herself.
Feel sorry for her? I do. Especially considering this is our national identity. I love my country all the same, though, which is why I think it’s high time for a change. We’ve turned 138 this year, so maybe it’s finally time to grow up and be ourselves. At the very least, we could go through a sullen angst phase. It would be really neat to be goth Canada: at least we wouldn’t be America’s bitch anymore.
