Summer how-tos: Hitch-hiking
Make some thumb, mes amis!
Aaron Levere, Staff
A recent study by StatsCan has finally proven what many have suspected for a long time: that the overwhelming majority of the Canadian population is just a bunch of remorseless axe-murderers. This, as I am sure you are aware, is the reason that hitch-hiking is rightly regarded as more dangerous than eating handfuls of live bees.
Under no circumstances should anyone hitch-hike, and we here at the Manitoban sternly discourage any such hazardous means of travel by anyone . . . anywhere . . . ever. In fact, we recommend against human interaction altogether. (What you do with bees is your business.) But for those who insist on ignoring this paternalistic and legally-exonerating advice, I present to you, the foolhardy, these handy field-tested tips on bumming a lift.
Make a sign. The number of people who told my accomplice and me that they only picked us up because we had a sign has made me a firm believer. Carry a marker. Write large and legibly. Above all, make sure that you spell the name of your destination properly. It may seem funny at the time to write “Halefaks,” but it will not seem nearly as funny on day two of standing in front of the same gas station with locals shaking their heads. Axe murderers are famous for their bad spelling, and people are already all too aware that the only thing more dangerous than hitch-hiking is picking up hitchhikers.
Tag team. Young people with backpacks seem to make people nostalgic, so the number of rides garnered quadruples right off the bat. The other huge advantage of travelling as a duo is that your work is cut in half. Someone gets to nap while the other person stands, thumb aloft, waiting for the next ride. Also, there is a limit to the number of times in a day you can have the exact same introductory conversation without breaking out the ol’ wood-chopper. Taking turns sitting in the front preserves your sanity that much longer.
Walking vs. sitting. Some people swear that walking in the direction you are heading makes you look more determined or less lazy or . . . something. Others postulate that sitting or standing lets people see your face, allowing them the four seconds necessary to decide whether or not you look like the axe-wielding type. I am not convinced one way or the other. Walk if you need the exercise, but it is unlikely that it increases your chances of being picked up and it is not going to get you there any faster.
The itinerary. If you have a schedule, do not hitch-hike.
Corner drivers. Take advantage of rest stops, gas stations, Tim Hortons’, historic points of interest and any other places where people leave the sanctity of their cars. Way fewer people will refuse you a ride when asked in person. For some reason, people are certain that friendly people are not murderers. Try not to shake their faith in this.
Eye contact. A technique used by some is to try to make eye contact with passing drivers, believing that this increases the likelihood of being picked-up. Besides being pretty much impossible to do, it does not make much sense and has never been eff ective for me. No one prefers staring people.
Motorbikes. A joke that is funny every time is to stick out your thumb and look extra hopeful when a motorbike goes past. That never gets old. It is still funny when you do it to cyclists, but they won’t think so.
RVs. Yes, there is a lot of room for you. Yes, it sounds great to lie on a couch in an air-conditioned condo on wheels all the way to your destination. Yes, there are so many of them. But rest your weary thumb. You might as well stick out your middle finger, your ass cheeks or a huge bloody axe for all the good it will do. Even if you ever get picked up by one (but you won’t), you will listen to “lite jazz,” converse with a drywall sales rep., and travel at 46 kilometres per hour for 300 of the most boring kilometres of your life. Don’t bother.
Truckers. Apparently, most truckers are not allowed to pick you up for insurance reasons, but some do it anyway. They have comfy seats, they are going a long way without stopping, they have gruesome stories, and there is a good chance that the music will be country.
They are the opposite of RVs.
Wawa. East of Winnipeg on the Trans-Canada is the town of Wawa, Ontario — famous for two things: a giant metal goose and a reputation as the Bermuda Triangle of Canadian hitch-hiking. It is not uncommon for people to refuse a much-needed ride, if it will drop them off in Wawa. It is a legendary black hole from which no hitch-hiker escapes. The town was founded and is entirely populated by stranded travellers who were once just passing through. There is an alternate route through Ontario that avoids Wawa, but leaving the main highway is also a gamble. Enjoy the goose!
