Screw noise rock

KEVIN LALONDE

THE OTHER PRESS

(DOUGLAS COLLEGE)

NEW WESTMINISTER, B.C. (CUP) — There are certain things in life that I don’t understand. Cubist art, reality television, women — none of these make any sense to me. But the one thing that bothers me the most is, quite simply, noise rock. I just don’t get it.

Now, before you grab your pitchforks and call for my head, I should clarify. I never thought of early Sonic Youth as noise rock, for example. I mean, when was the last time you heard someone say, “Oh my god, man, I LOVE Shellac?” or, “Dude, the new Butthole Surfers is SO amazing!” All right, to be fair, a lot of people probably did. But that’s not what I want to talk about. I’m talking about new noise rock. Deerhoof, Xiu Xiu, all of it. It makes no sense to me.

People describe noise rock as big and cacophonous, abrasive, an onslaught of noise meant to shatter the eardrums. The genre is highlighted by distorted, amateurishly-played guitars and heavy, crashing percussion, often lacking a cohesive rhythm or melody, or a melody altogether. Reading that description back, it sounds like I’m describing math rock. Well, fuck math rock, too — but we’ll get to that another time. Right now, I’m pissed about how good people think the new Deerhoof is, or the new Xiu Xiu, or the new whatever. Again, I just don’t get it.

When I threw in Deerhoof ’s LP Apple O’ this week, I was excited. I had never really listened to Deerhoof before, aside from a few tracks that some friends had played for me, and the new album was getting hugely positive press from all points. Clearly, it had to be good. My excitement, however, quickly melted into aggravated irritation. Not surprising for a guy whose idea of a good time is a bottle of wine, a panfried trout, and some old Decemberists while reading Harry Potter. What the fuck was this?

Why do I hate noise rock so much? It’s usually discordant and unpleasantly unmelodic. It’s annoying. You can’t sing along to the words (if there are any), and even if you can understand the lyrics, they rarely make any sense. It’s so dissonant and harsh, and you can’t even get high to it because it just agitates you and freaks you out. Case in point: the song “Saturn” by celebrated noise rock ‘innovators’ Xiu Xiu. Theoretically, you should be able to light a joint and listen to damn near anything. But that? I don’t fucking think so. Again, I just don’t understand it.

That said, not all noise rock is so unlistenable for me that I can’t stomach it. However, it is kinda sad that the only half-melodic tracks on Xiu Xiu’s La Forêt sound unmistakably like Depeche Mode. What does that say about the genre?

Indeed, the term “noise rock” has been thrown around like an old pair of socks so much recently that it’s hard to make distinctions as to who is actually playing noise rock and who isn’t. No, I won’t try to give any clarity in that regard; remember, I don’t understand it. However, it frightens me when I hear people labelling bands like Wolf Parade as noise rock. Sure, for the first 12 seconds of “You Are a Runner and I Am My Father’s Son” you might think the song a bit grating. But then, seemingly out of nowhere, you hear . . . what’s that, a melody? Jesus, is that so fucking hard to play? It’s cohesive, it’s pleasant and it’s goddamn catchy is what it is! And it causes me to say to myself, “Yeah, I really want to put that on,” and I don’t have to suffer through it in any way.

So the real question is, why the hell do people who like noise rock like noise rock? Is it because they’re angry? Were they not hugged enough when they were little? Have they been drinking too much? Frankly, and I know someone is gonna hit me for saying it, I think it’s because they have a metal plate in their head or something. Either that or they’re deaf. Otherwise, I simply can’t explain it.