The Conservative virus

CARSON JEREMA STAFF

If there is one thing I’ve learned being a politically minded/involved university student, it’s that being labeled a “conservative” or “right wing” can do a number on your social standing. I’m not entirely convinced that labelling someone a right winger serves any other purpose than to insult them. God forbid someone disagree with radical student politics. But in order to fit in with the socially progressive, one would be best advised to avoid any point of view that could be considered right wing. Pretend that conservativism is a virus to be immunized against. Read the Guardian, watch only independent films, learn how to hold a picket sign and never, never agree with anyone who has been labelled conservative, even if all they said is that they can’t believe Todd Bertuzzi is playing in the Olympics. Unfortunately, there are many of us out there who may have been infected with the conservative virus and don’t even realize it. Fortunately, there is a test. Answer the following questions and see how you do.

1 Are you a white male?

2 Do you think Ann Coulter is hot?

3 Have you ever said “freedom isn’t free?”

4 Do you think Armageddon is the greatest movie of all time?

5 Did you know who Johnny Cash was before he covered Nine Inch Nails’ “Hurt”?

6 Do you think Canada should acquire nuclear weapons to deter an attack from Haiti?

7 Are you saddened by the fact that Ronald Reagan was president of the United States and not the undisputed king of the world?

8 Have you ever referred to Brian Mulroney as a pinko commy bastard?

9 Do you think Jeff Foxworthy is funny?

10 Are you that teacher from Ontario who sued so you wouldn’t have to pay union fees?

11 Do you think women, gay people, immigrants and vegetarians are killing democracy?

12 Have you ever said to yourself: “Wow, Stephen Harper sure looks snazzy in that turtle neck?”

13 Are you a Christian or do you have any Christian friends?

14 Are you a commerce major?

15 Do you believe that free markets will not only bring world peace, but cure cancer, polio, AIDS and infidelity?

16 Are you from Calgary?

17 When Ralph Klein walked into a homeless shelter and told everyone to get a job, did you say: “Go, Ralph, go?”

18 Have you ever agreed with a politician who wasn’t from the Green Party?

19 When you realized that Michael J. Fox wasn’t exactly like Alex P. Keaton, did you lose all faith in Canadian movie stars?

20 Upon hearing “America, Fuck Yeah,” were you upset that everyone around you was laughing? And did you tell them to show some respect for the troops?

Anyway, if you answered “yes” between one and five times, I wouldn’t worry — I’m sure your liberal-minded friends will forgive you. But to be on the safe side, you shouldn’t open your mouth except to say “Bush is an idiot” or “Canada out of Haiti.” If you answered “yes” between five and ten times then it might do you some good to read Michael Moore or listen to some Propaghandi. If you answered “yes” between 10 and 15 times then you better take off your cardigan and head to either the UMSU or Manitoban office for re-programming as you are in severe danger of spreading the conservative virus. If you answered “yes” more than 15 times there is no hope for you. At this stage, no treatment will save you from your sad, pathetic, misguided existence. Move to Alberta at once. Carson Jerema is a fourth-year political studies student and the Manitoban’s Comment Editor.