NEW YEAR’S ANTI-RESOLUTIONS

TESSA VANDERHART STAFF

W elcome to 2006! The Christmas holidays are over, and that can mean only one thing, the eternal question: ‘what’s your New Year’s resolution’? Sometimes, though, there is no good answer. Sometimes, even the most realistic of resolutions is too sickly sweet; sometimes — especially right after the holiday season — sometimes, a little drink from the flask of pessimism is just what the doctor ordered. You may not be going straight to the top, but by God, you’re going to have fun on the way down. On that note, here is a list of the top ten things to do in 2006 — if you have deep-seated suspicions about New Year’s resolutions. Or if you’re mentally unbalanced. Either way: welcome back!

1. Less coke, more rye.

2. Write a letter to your MP. Make sure to use words like “bomb,” “Al Quaeda,” and “schnozzola.”

3. Find man-eating lion; tame him, and sic on enemies. Make new enemies to replace the old ones.

4. Find boyfriend. Ignore boyfriend. Cheat on boyfriend. Ridicule boyfriend. Break up with boyfriend. Rinse. Repeat.

5. More public, “outside-voice” profanity.

6. Develop more effective road rage techniques. Like crow-bars and hand-grenades.

7. Lose five lbs. Gain back 10 lbs eating Easter creme eggs, but lose two of them before high school reunion. Gain back 20 on Halloween candy, thanksgiving turkey, and Christmas goodies. I’m so fat.

8. Ncourag vryon to nd thir us of th lttr ‘e’.

9. Become a better person: steal your neighbour’s identity.

10. Aw, fuck it. Do you really need another resolution?